Boundaries - What They Are and How to Set Them to Improve Your Relationships

By Meng-lin (Benny) Hsieh, M.Ed., Counseling Psychologist in Taiwan

Abbott Elementary describes the lives of hardworking teachers trying their best for their students while being severely under-resourced. The protagonist, Janine Teagues, has a complicated relationship with her mother. Growing up, it was often Janine who took care of her mother, even though it should have been the other way around.

Nevertheless, Janine loves her mother very much, and when she got the job as a teacher in the same neighborhood her mother was living in, Janine was excited to share this important part of her life with her. But it took her mother 2 years to reach out, and when she finally did, she did so via a surprise visit to Janine's workplace. "I just wanted to see how my baby's doing, baby!" It didn't take long before her mother 'let slip' that she was having issues with her phone bill, and that if she didn't figure something out soon, her phone would get shut off. Understandably, Janine felt conflicted. On the one hand, she loves her mother dearly and would like to see her happy. On the other, Janine needed her mother to learn to take better care of herself.

Janine's conflicted feelings regarding her mother's visit is the result of competing needs, both interpersonally and internally. In such cases, it might be a good idea to set some boundaries.

Definition of boundaries - What's okay and what's not okay

What are "boundaries" anyway? Dr. Brené Brown defines boundaries as clarifying "what's ok, and what's not ok". Human beings are inherently social. Living amongst others, we are bound to encounter situations when our needs impede upon the needs of others. We might overstep when we try to comment on or even try to change someone's circumstance without the person's knowledge. We may be taking someone's care for granted and ask for what we feel like we are entitled to. Boundaries allow us to find common ground and build consensus in situations where two or more people seem to have competing needs. By communicating what we find to be acceptable or not, we understand how to move forward.

Some folks may find setting boundaries to be difficult. I often get a look of confusion when I try to explain the importance of boundaries in my work with clients. "Wouldn't setting boundaries negatively impact my relationship?" For those who have similar questions on their minds, often they are concerned with the psychological distancing that comes with setting boundaries. Although it is true that clarifying boundaries is akin to drawing a line in the sand, this distancing may be beneficial, or even necessary, for the relationship to thrive in the long run. Not only are we respecting each other as individuals through this separation, we are also teaching each other how we want others to treat us, and vice versa. By doing so, we prevent resentment from building up, festering in the dark, driving people apart unbeknownst to the parties involved, until the gap is so great that the relationship cannot be salvaged. In other words, setting boundaries may prevent the relationship from deteriorating.

Type of boundaries

There are three types of boundaries: porous, rigid, and healthy.

Porous boundaries happen when two people are "enmeshed" or codependent. It isn't clear whose needs are being satisfied, and can lead to feelings of resentment. For instance, someone with porous boundaries may not express their thoughts and feelings for fear of making the other person feel disappointed or let-down, so they make lots of decisions thinking that they are satisfying the needs of the other, without verifying with the other person if they even expected them to behave in this way in the first place.

On the other extreme, rigid boundaries are when personal boundaries are enforced no matter the circumstance. Rigid boundaries also cause interpersonal friction. People with rigid boundaries are difficult to get close or work with, and they often find themselves feeling isolated and neglected.

Healthy boundaries are somewhere in the middle. It's kind of like moral principles. They should be firm for the most part, but need to take into account circumstances, the context of the situation, and bend in ways to protect the relationship from breaking altogether. People with healthy boundaries communicate in clear and direct terms what they expect of others, and as importantly, invite others to do the same.

What healthy distances from one another look like may vary from group to group/ culture to culture, but when that critical balance is reached or restored, the people in that group increase their sense of belonging. Each member knows where they stand, what they are expected, and by whom. Roles and responsibilities are clarified and communicated, which opens up avenues of reciprocity.

How to set boundaries

Setting boundaries, like any other skill, can be learned.

First, we need to cultivate our "relational intelligence" (關係素養)。Part of that intelligence entails understanding your own needs through self-awareness. Another component is developing sensitivity towards other people's needs, either by observing, or by asking directly (if the other person can communicate those needs easily). When we build up our relational intelligence, we can better answer the questions: "What is it that I need (in this moment)?", "What is it that you need?", and "Are there ways to satisfy both needs?"

Next, we need to figure out how to navigate conversations about boundaries. The "DEAR" structure developed by Marsha Linehan in her work with patients with Borderline Personality Disorder may be useful for this purpose. The DEAR structure is a communication tool that help focus the conversation on asserting needs in a direct manner, while increasing the likelihood that such communicated boundaries can be maintained:

D - Describe - Describe the other person's behavior and its impact on you personally.

E - Empathize - Try to think about the situation from the other person's perspective. Why might they have acted/ said what they did?

A - Assert - State in clear and direct (behavioral) terms what you need the other person to do.

R - Reinforce - Express gratitude for having this challenging conversation. Down the line, when you notice the other person respecting your boundaries, make sure to express your appreciation, to demonstrate to them that their efforts are noted.

Occasionally, the other person may resist you asserting your needs, especially if such conversations are not taking place on a regular basis. If that is the case, try to empathize but stand your ground. Gently but firmly explain why such conversations need to be had, and restate what it is you need from the other person.

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When Janine finally figured out the real reason behind her mother's visit, this is what she said:

Janine: "Alright, so here's what we're gonna do. I will call the phone company for you, and we'll figure out a payment plan. That way they won't shut off your phone. Then I'm gonna give you the money for the first two payments. I don't have the rest of the money to spare. I'm going on vacation. That is what I can do for you right now, Mom. You can take that option, or you're on your own. It's totally up to you."

Janine's mother: "Well I was gonna figure it out. But I'll take option one."

Janine: "Okay."

Janine's mother: "Thank you, baby."

Janine: "You're welcome. I love you, Mom. And you need your phone."

Janine's mother: "Yeah, I do. For work!...And I love you, too."

Photo by：https://www.pexels.com/zh-tw/photo/30114826/

References

Brown, B. (2017). Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Random House, New York: NY.

Mckay, M., Wood, J. C. & Brantley, J. (2007). The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. New Harbinger Publications, Oakland:CA.

Whittingham, K. (Director). Brunson, Q., Coleman, A. & Peterman, K. (Writers). (2023, April 12). Mom (Season 2, Episode 21) [TV series episode]. In R. Rinhorn, J. Halpern, P. Schumacker & Q. Brunson (Executive Producers), Abbott Elementary. Delicious Non-Sequitur; Fifth Chance; 20th Television & Warner Bros. Television Studios.